Home Sweet Home

Dear Sienna Elyse,

Guess what? I found our house! It’s going to be your very first home. I’ve been looking for this house for more than a year and I finally found the right one. I can’t tell you how many houses I’ve seen! None of them were right for you. I saw one that had the washer and dryer in the kitchen (ugh)! There was this one that looked like it could be great, but it had water damage in the laundry room and these rickety stairs to a creepy basement. There was another one that looked really great, but my bedroom was on one floor and yours was on another. Also, your granddad didn’t like that one because it was close to the road and there was no fence and not much yard and he was worried you’d just toddle off onto the road and get hit by a car. Not that I would ever leave you alone long enough for that to happen, but that was still a good reason to let that one go.

There was this other one that was nearly an hour from where I work and so close to being over my budget, it made me nervous. I was thinking I could take the train to work. But then I thought, “What if something happens to Elyse and it takes me an hour to get to her?!” So then, I thought that you could come uptown to work with me and I’d put you in a daycare close to my office. But that would mean we would either have to drive two hours every day in traffic (and quadruple our chances of having an accident with you in the car), or I’d have to take you on the train with me every day. It sounds fun now, but can you imagine me trying to carry you on the train with all your bags and my work bags...disasters would be highly prone to taking place.

After I thought about that enough, I decided to look at places close to work! You can’t imagine how much time and thought I’ve put into finding the right place for you. I saw some nice ones, I saw some OK ones and I saw some really bad ones; all of them just had something that wasn’t quite right. I even found one that, on paper, was almost perfect! But it had these little issues that I just didn’t feel right about. It was a little farther from work than I would have liked (though not an hour away) and the only day-care nearby really scared me. I just couldn’t imagine you being there, which meant finding another daycare that wouldn’t be close to home. I almost took that house anyway because I can’t even start looking for you until I have a good house.

But one day my best friend told me to look at a house on her street. Since I can’t sell my townhouse, we have to rent for the moment and it turned out the owner was trying to sell this house. On a whim, we got the phone number of the agent and called them up seeing if, by any chance, they would rent it to me. Sure enough, they not only were willing to rent it to me, but they were willing to rent it for the price I was asking for! It has plenty of bedrooms, but only one bathroom. I’ve decided that since it will be just you and me, this will only help us learn to share better. Hehe. We have a huge backyard and a great big covered deck. At some point, I want to fence it all in and get a gazebo put in, too. I’m planning your bedroom, though I think you’ll be in my room most of the time anyway. Since I won’t have a husband who doesn’t want you in our bed, I’m thinking you’ll sleep with me until we’re both OK with you sleeping in your own room. I was thinking about putting in some rose bushes, but now I’m wondering if maybe I should just stick with some nice big green bushes to separate our yard from the neighbor’s. Of course, even though we have a huge yard, we have a big park right across the street, just diagonal to us. There are swings and slides and I think it has a seesaw. I’m pretty sure you’ll love it. On top of all that, my best friend is just a few houses down the road!

Now that I have the house, I can do the application. Oh my god, I can’t believe I can finally do that! I think I’ve chosen the agency I want to use and I’m pretty sure I will find you in Russia. I’ve gotten a better car, though I hate how big it is; but, it’s a good car to drive you around in, so I’m getting used to the bigness. It’s like a mini-van, but without all the van-ness of a van. I think that’s a good thing. Anyway, the point is, in my first letter to you, I said I needed a better car and house and now I have both. I found a church at the end of the street of the new house that has daycare at a very good price. I have to do a tour of the place, but I think it could work. Otherwise, I found another daycare which is just a little further away, but in the same neighborhood. The price is a little high, but if that place is better for you, then I’ll figure something out. 

Now that things are falling into place, I can imagine you being here so much more. I even dreamed last night that I took you to some places in France that I had been to when I was little. The funny thing is that it just felt normal. Like that was how it is supposed to be. Some people have been telling me that I won’t be able to travel, or do the things I can do while I’m single, once I have you. But I plan to travel and do all the things I do, just with you! And, they keep forgetting that without you, I can’t do some really, really big things; like go to movies for kids, play games like hide-and-seek in the living room, spend an evening reading Dr. Seuss books, finger paint, build a sheet tent in the living room, go trick or treating, play on a seesaw, and of course, I can’t be a mommy.  I can’t wait to have you in our little house all snuggly and safe and sound. Maybe my best friend will still be here and you and her daughter will play together. The day I find my way to you is coming closer and closer. I'm so happy and excited, I can hardly wait!

I love you,

Mom

Decisions

Dear Sienna Elyse,

        Sometimes, it’s hard to make the right decision when it comes to you. I’ve had a lot of decisions to make lately and I can only hope I’ve made the right ones. I go to a gym regularly now; you might think that’s funny, but I do it because I want my heart to be stronger so that I won’t be too weak to take care of you. When you keep me up at night and I still have to go to work the next day, when you’re sick and I’m sick and I still have to go to work the next day, I can’t let my heart give in to the fatigue.

The other day, though, I came close to fainting and it made me so angry. It wasn’t a big deal, the worst that could have happened is that I would have had to lay down. But I got so scared of fainting and I thought of what would happen if I fainted with you. My own weakness made me so furious! Of course, I now realize that if I hadn’t been so scared, if I hadn’t been so angry at myself, perhaps I could have controlled the symptoms better. Perhaps I could have fought it off and nothing would have happened. But my own fear made it all so much worse and turned it into much more than it was.

If I am to be your mother, I cannot be afraid. Today I was adding up all that it would cost me to get to you, all the things I would have to let go of, or give up to find you and be your mother. I’m ashamed to admit that for a moment, I thought it was too much. What I have to go through to get to you is monumental – it would be if I was doing it with a husband, it will be more so doing it on my own. And I got scared again.

Then I thought of you! What in this world could I possibly give up that is worth more than you? Nothing. There simply is nothing.

I have a lot of big hurdles to overcome, the biggest of which is my own fear. I know I will never completely master it, but I hope to be braver than I am now when I bring you home. Now if I can just be brave enough to make the right decisions...

I love you,

Mom