Dear Sienna Elyse,
Sometimes, it’s hard to make the right decision when it comes to you. I’ve had a lot of decisions to make lately and I can only hope I’ve made the right ones. I go to a gym regularly now; you might think that’s funny, but I do it because I want my heart to be stronger so that I won’t be too weak to take care of you. When you keep me up at night and I still have to go to work the next day, when you’re sick and I’m sick and I still have to go to work the next day, I can’t let my heart give in to the fatigue.
The other day, though, I came close to fainting and it made me so angry. It wasn’t a big deal, the worst that could have happened is that I would have had to lay down. But I got so scared of fainting and I thought of what would happen if I fainted with you. My own weakness made me so furious! Of course, I now realize that if I hadn’t been so scared, if I hadn’t been so angry at myself, perhaps I could have controlled the symptoms better. Perhaps I could have fought it off and nothing would have happened. But my own fear made it all so much worse and turned it into much more than it was.
If I am to be your mother, I cannot be afraid. Today I was adding up all that it would cost me to get to you, all the things I would have to let go of, or give up to find you and be your mother. I’m ashamed to admit that for a moment, I thought it was too much. What I have to go through to get to you is monumental – it would be if I was doing it with a husband, it will be more so doing it on my own. And I got scared again.
Then I thought of you! What in this world could I possibly give up that is worth more than you? Nothing. There simply is nothing.
I have a lot of big hurdles to overcome, the biggest of which is my own fear. I know I will never completely master it, but I hope to be braver than I am now when I bring you home. Now if I can just be brave enough to make the right decisions...
I love you,
Mom
