Dear Sienna Elyse,
I’m not against marriage. Not at all. But I think I’m against weddings. I think girls everywhere dream of a wonderful wedding, with the perfect dress and nice decorations and great food and all the friends and family there. They just imagine how they’re going to have so many bridesmaids, what color scheme to go with, how many tiers they’ll have on the cake, the engagement ring, even the song they are going to dance to. Amazingly, if you talk to them about their hopes and dreams, rarely do they go into great detail about the man at the altar. Some will put in a nice word for him, some will even go so far as to hope he can afford to pay for all the wonderful things they’ve been dreaming up since they were little. But few, if any, look forward to their marriage as much as they look forward to their wedding.
Honey, what I want you dreaming of when you’re little is not some fabulous wedding, but a fabulous future. One where you are a strong woman who can take care of yourself and may one day find a wonderful man who will be your best friend and love you no matter what color the flowers are at your wedding. The wedding means absolutely nothing. It is a series of old rituals, customs and ceremonies. Father walking the bride down the aisle? It’s a custom that comes from parents selling their daughters and dragging them before the priest against their will. Bridesmaids? Possibly decoys to keep the bride, with the big dowry, from being stolen by an enterprising jerk…or just a really good way for women to humiliate their friends. Quite frankly, there is little romance in what we do at weddings these days. Many of the “romantic” things are based on barbaric and old, pointless customs.
I’m not saying that when you get married I won’t be ecstatic and go mad helping you plan a perfect wedding. I understand that customs and rituals have as much power as one believes them to have and these days, people have a lot of hope and faith in these rituals. So I will be right there at every step, helping you decide on the perfect dress or ring, or whatever. But I hope that you will remember that a wedding is only as good as the two people making the vows. The moment the little spot on your dress, or the bridesmaid who invited someone you don’t know, or the dinner order being slightly wrong makes you so furious, you want to scream and tear someone apart, then you know you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Who cares how many flowers there are? Who cares what the color scheme is?! If the man you’re going to be with for the rest of your life is perfect, then you don’t need the perfect wedding.
If women put half the time and energy into finding the RIGHT guy for them as they do into the “perfect” wedding, then there might be a lot less divorce. The truth is, sweetie, I’m the biggest romantic out there. I believe in a real love, not the love that you choose because it’s easier, not the feeling that is similar to eating chocolate, not that little thing in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to sing a song. Yes, all those things can be there, but it’s so much more than that. It’s knowing that there are going to be some really bad times, but you still want to do it. Knowing that there are times you won’t feel all ooey and gooey and you’ll still love the heck out of him because you love HIM not the idea of him, not what the books or movies or even I tell you that you should love about him.
I can’t tell you how to love, who to love and what to do once you do find it. But I can tell you that if you start thinking more about your wedding than you do about the kind of woman you will grow up to be, or the kind of man you will marry, then the best day of your life will be your wedding day and all the others will dull in comparison – as will your love. Look forward to love, not your wedding, look forward to a good husband, not a wedding dress, look forward to a family with a man who will be a good father, not what horrid dress to put your bridesmaids in…I could go on, but I suppose it gets old.
Personally, I don’t think I will ever have a wedding. If I find a man who I really want to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t think I’ll put a bunch of stress on it by starting out our lifetime with a horrid wedding. Ha. Not that I expect you to do that. I expect you’ll find a good man and big or small wedding, you’ll love him and he’ll love you no matter what.
I love you dearly,
Your mom
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